I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
