someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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