im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
