I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
