did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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