i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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