Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Pants are for mortals
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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