hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
