i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
