I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
