Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize