Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
