i need an iv and a liver transplant
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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