sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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