We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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