Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
