dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
