I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
