i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
