I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize