Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
