so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
