Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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