You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
