It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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