I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
