Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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