Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
