I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
