I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
