toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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