I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Is Oprah even human
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
