That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
