Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
