saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
