I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
