You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
worst night to have a conscience
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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