My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
