At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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