they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I met the friendliest cop last night
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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