He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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