oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
