I got chris browned last night
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
