I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
