Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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