I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
