I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
