So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
