Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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