Kareoke will never be a sober sport
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
