I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How external is "for external use only"?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
