Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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