my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
we made out on top of his cat.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
