you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
