I think im going to throw up on grandma
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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