well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
