I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
