all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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