Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
